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  Parenting Issues

  Let’s consider the new landscape of parenting in the age of constant digital connection. Moment to moment, our kids are faced with many more decisions about technology and their digital lives than we faced as we grew up with television, the telephone, and possibly a desktop computer.

  When I was typing my college applications on my family’s Apple IIe, I was conscious of the fabulousness of word processing (my schoolwork was done on a typewriter), but I didn’t have the distractions of the Internet—just the allure of friends and maybe a novel or TV show. Today, our kids have a lot of potential distractions to navigate when they sit down to work. Almost all kids need adult help and guidance to learn to navigate the enticing distractions, get focused, and finish their work.

  Your kids’ new social world may be a challenge for you as well. Often, it may seem like you can’t rely on your own experience as a guide, because (1) your children’s world feels foreign to you and (2) it changes so quickly that it’s hard to keep up to date.

  Whatever our screen-time policies are, we may feel judged by other parents. Because the range of approaches varies so much from family to family, we may even feel judged in both directions: some of our peers believe we are too permissive, while others might think we are too strict or worry too much. The fear of judgment can keep us from talking openly with one another, which deprives us of a crucial resource. One of my biggest goals in writing this book and in leading parent education programs is to encourage parents to speak more honestly about the pleasures and challenges of raising digital natives. This book will help you open up a dialogue with your child, but it can also help open up dialogue with your spouse or other co-parents and caregivers, as well as with other parents in your community. None of us is in this alone: I am raising a digital native, too, and I am right here with you figuring this out.

  The more open conversations we can have with other parents in our circles, the better prepared we are to meet the needs of this generation of kids we are raising. This is especially true if our interest in the discussion comes from a place of openness and a genuine intention to help. Simply breaking the ice by saying to another parent, “Sometimes I am overwhelmed by all this technology—where do I start with the rules? How do you guys do it?” could be a great invitation to an honest conversation.

  Another fear I hear about frequently is that your children will be outsiders if you as a parent don’t keep up. This shows itself in two forms: knowledge of the “next big thing” and tech purchases. If one third-grade classmate has a particular device or app, your child may feel that he “needs” it too. You can probably remember the same urge for the “right” lunchbox or sneakers. The difference is that purchasing a connected device like a smartphone, wearable, or tablet is a much bigger decision: it opens an entire world to your child. You want to make sure he’s ready.

  If you are in a community where the “latest thing” is a pervasive influence, going against the tide will take intention and resolve. In any such community, there are people who are having modest (even gift-free) birthday parties and showing other signs that they won’t be acquiring technology for themselves or their kids to demonstrate visible status. Find those people. Talk openly with your sixth grader about why getting the newest, latest gadget doesn’t ft your values.

  This is where financial literacy can come in to play—your elementary or middle school children probably have no idea how much certain things cost. If they can relate the price of an item to their allowance, or the hourly wage they earn babysitting, they will find it easier to understand why you aren’t running out to purchase something.

  Often, a device is within a family’s means, but the things the device can do—connect to e-mail, browse the Internet—isn’t something the family wants their child to have constant access to. At a certain age, either choice—to buy the device or to put off buying it—can be a lot of work. If the majority of your child’s peers have a device and use it socially, your child’s workarounds may be annoying and time consuming for you (for example, having other kids text your phone to make plans with your child). Yet getting him his own device will also be a lot of work, as you can expect to be in regular conversations about its best use. Don’t kid yourself: parenting a middle schooler in the digital age takes a lot of effort.

  Another fear parents frequently share with me is that their child is growing up too fast. Maybe you don’t want your kid on the fast track. Honestly, social media and texting can expose your child to many influences. On the other hand, younger kids (i.e., nine- and ten-year-olds) tend to do “little kid” things on computers and phones. That could be dressing and undressing dolls in the latest fashion, or it could be taking “after” pictures in the toilet when using the bathroom. Maturity is not something we should expect consistently of most nine-year-olds, and when parents and educators are shocked by these behaviors (especially the latter) I ask them to consider offline maturity level too. Kids are kids—a device won’t change that.

  As you think about moving toward a more intentional approach to mentoring your kids on technology, focus on modeling thoughtful use of it, creating times to be unplugged, and teaching kids ways to repair mistakes. As parents, we get so focused on preventing the bad things we fear will happen when our kids interact with peers via a game, group texts, or social media that we sometimes forget to model how to repair problems. And problems are inevitable. Many digital safety experts say that repairing a digital mistake is like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube—and, as you probably know after surviving the toddler years, it can’t “go back in the tube,” but the toothpaste does need to be cleaned up!

  Kids’ Feelings About Parents’ Tech Use

  Parenting is difficult, for sure. But the new world impacts kids’ lives, too. I thought it was worth taking a moment to show you the view from the other side. Here is a set of “Rules for Parents” from fifth graders, who show their feelings about your use of technology:

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  No talking and driving—I hate it when my mom puts in headphones and doesn’t even talk to me on the way home.

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  Don’t watch TV so loud (and late). It wakes me up.

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  I hate when my mom makes me text for her when she is driving.

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  No talking on the phone or texting at dinnertime or social time.

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  Don’t post pictures of me on Facebook without permission.

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  Limit phone conversations to thirty minutes (“Sometimes you talk to your sister for two hours!”).

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  Don’t say “Five more minutes” and then stay on the phone (or e-mail) for two hours.

  As kids get older, they want less of your time (though they may need you just as much!), but they are more concerned about embarrassment. Seventh-grade girls cringed when their mothers used words like “selfies” or texting slang like “LOL” or “BRB” in conversation.

  My workshops and fieldwork with groups of teens and tweens, as well as with younger children, inform my thinking. In this book, I’ll show you their view as much as I can. They tell me things that they don’t always share with their parents or teachers!

  What Parents Worry About

  I work with parents at schools around the United States and beyond, and parents always let me know that they’re worried about “what the kids are doing on there” when they walk into a room and their tween and all her friends are looking at screens. And parents say to me, “I’m concerned that our kids have no social skills. I’m concerned that my kid is addicted to games. I’m concerned that they’re double-screening and multitasking to the point that they may not ever be able to really focus on anything. I’m concerned that they’re going to take a naughty picture, hear about a naughty picture, or receive a naughty picture and their innocence will be destroyed. I’m concerned that they’re going to become cyberbullies, be cyberbullied, or be blackmailed … I don’t know what they’re
doing on there but I’m worried about it.” Following are some of the things parents are anxious about, given their kids’ preoccupation with digital devices.

  Are Kids Losing Social Skills?

  We’ve all seen it: kid in a passive posture, device in hand, all attention focused downward. Your child is immersed in a game or some other thing. A full hour (or more) can pass without him moving. He’s completely disconnected from the world. Try to pry him away, and you risk a meltdown.

  Parents express their worry to me all the time that their kids will become addicted to their devices. They fear that kids will grow up disconnected, alone, and unhealthy. Kids’ social skills, they worry, are being shaped by their devices, and not in a good way.

  This potential is why kids need us more than ever. Their world is a lot more complicated now, and technology is only one factor that is making us aware that kids may need more support learning social skills.

  Are Kids Being Supervised Appropriately?

  Kids today spend a lot more time closely supervised and a lot less time playing outside until the streetlights go on. Parents are much more involved in actively managing their children’s social lives—until, at some point, they can’t. When kids start middle school, parents’ habit of close involvement can present a huge challenge because kids are now, to a greater degree, left to their own resources to solve conflicts or negotiate other tricky terrain. The transition from parent-managed playdates to social independence (“Here’s your phone; have fun texting with all your friends”) is a steep hurdle, and one that is loaded with pitfalls for kids between fourth and eighth grade who are navigating this transition along with puberty and all the other changes this age brings. Rather than a slow buildup to navigating their social lives, many kids go from parent-organized playdates to managing their own devices and social lives with no training wheels and little mentorship.

  The good news is that there are ways to help kids learn the necessary social skills. The “natural” form of socializing that we grew up with left kids who were shy or had other social challenges to fend for themselves. The idea that all kids need to learn social and relationship skills, which has become a larger part of school curricula, does level the playing field for kids who might struggle in this area, and technology can actually help. But most kids, even very social ones, need some help navigating responsibly the social interactions that a device can bring.

  Every family will encounter slightly different challenges navigating this transition, but I believe that parents possess the skills needed to help guide kids and help them get the most out of technology. The devices may facilitate some negative behaviors. Or they may just make those behaviors more visible to adults by creating documentation that would not have existed for previous generations. But we can teach positive behaviors instead, so that kids learn to use their devices in a healthy way. When they do, technology can make a positive impact on their lives—and yours.

  Is Peer Drama Increasing?

  Many parents observe an amplification of emotions in teens and tweens who are new to social networks. With or without personal devices or social media accounts, “drama” usually begins for kids as they move toward puberty, when they start to make peer comparisons and experience feelings of exclusion. Sometimes, especially when kids are gaming, issues can start earlier, although these may be simple conflicts rather than what the kids call drama. While devices don’t cause the emotional turbulence, they can certainly exacerbate it.

  There are some ages—and personalities—that are wired for drama. You can probably think of an adult colleague or friend who seeks it out anywhere. Conflict and drama are a part of life—how we handle them is what matters. As a parent, you want to look for signs that your child is thriving and enjoying the drama, or is successfully avoiding or ignoring it. If your child is right in the middle of the spectrum, you have an opportunity to mentor him to be kind and not manipulative. But if the drama is isolating or upsetting your child, you need to be even more proactive in helping him create boundaries.

  I’ll address social drama in the digital age in greater detail later in this book, but here are some examples of the kind of drama you might see kids create in today’s world:

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  Taking other kids’ phones and sending out mean, stupid, or silly texts from their phones

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  Sharing embarrassing or incriminating pictures

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  Propagating anonymous rumors

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  Trying to start trouble between two friends

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  “Innocently” pointing out that someone unfollowed you

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  Anonymously asking questions about someone on an anonymous site

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  Stirring up conflict via comments on a social media site

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  Making oblique references to someone who “shouldn’t really be on this group text” on a group text

  If such behavior presents itself as a negative, stressful factor in your child’s life, you may want to consider helping her plug into another community, scout group, or youth group. Also, it’s perfectly okay to unplug! Strategic offline time can be a salve to the chafing of everyday tech-induced issues. While I believe we want to foster positive use of technology, that doesn’t mean it needs to be a 24–7 pursuit. Breaks are good. They help us reset—and not just kids!

  So ask your child if she has seen other kids being mean in group texts or social media spaces. It happens all the time, so don’t be surprised at what your child reports. And most importantly, don’t overreact. This book will teach you how to navigate many of these situations and help you determine when to bring in outside help.

  Are Kids Failing to Understand Privacy?

  A common refrain that I hear from parents is that today’s kids “have no sense of privacy!” What this really means is that our kids’ concept of privacy is different from ours. Young people today live life more “in the open,” sharing information about themselves under a different idea of what is “public.” My strong belief is if we choose to be judgmental about this we are missing a huge opportunity to mentor our kids. Instead, we can face reality and help them better manage their privacy.

  There is a strong culture of sharing among both young people and many adults now, so we are not likely to eliminate sharing. We want to help our kids figure out appropriate boundaries, of course—there are real dangers to sharing everything all the time. We need to be able to teach our kids how to share in an informed, thoughtful way.

  How Kids View Privacy

  Kids do recognize that they are in public when they are visiting social channels. I see this all the time in my fieldwork with teens and tweens. Here’s how they handle it, though. Kids use code to “create” privacy. They make oblique references that only their clique will understand. That way, they can hang out in public with some privacy—at least their concept of privacy. Yet, they don’t want to be invisible—they want peers to be aware of them and their actions. Being forgotten or invisible is of deep concern to them.

  I do an exercise with middle schoolers in which they identify different issues on a continuum of how private or public they are, and their responses vary by age and by context. For example, I ask kids about how they would handle family news like their parents’ divorce. Most kids in my groups agree that a friend’s parents’ decision to divorce is not a peer’s news to share. They would be mad if a friend shared such news about their family without their consent. However, many did say, “What’s the big deal?” Or they said things like, “I’d want to know so I could be supportive to my friend.” There is a lot to like about these kids’ thoughtful responses.

  Safety or Privacy?

  My hypothesis based on many conversations with kids is that in the post-9/11 world, kids value safety more than privacy. Students at the high school and middle school level frequently tell me that it would be okay with them if the government were to look at their data because they “have nothi
ng to hide.” They also find the reality of retail and brands knowing their preferences to be more convenient than creepy.

  We want kids to understand that we trade data for this convenience. Most of the time, we’re okay with this. I won’t get into whether that’s a good or bad thing, but it’s important to be aware of it so you can help keep your kids safe. The important thing to understand for now? Kids do want some privacy, but they think of it differently than we do. And sometimes that privacy is from their parents and teachers, and even sometimes from their peers!

  Are Kids Creating a Permanent Record?

  One of the concerns I hear most frequently from parents is, “Will my kid wreck his career because of some stupid thing he posted in seventh grade?” While it’s not likely, the longevity and public nature of the information we share is a concern. We should consider everything we post to be public and permanent. It gives you pause, right?

  Schools are varied in their approach to day-to-day concerns about digital privacy, so I would not assume your child is learning good practices at school. We need to figure out as a culture how we want to deal with digital indiscretions, but there is no consensus yet. I wish that what you post before you’re eighteen, much like a criminal record, could be expunged. At the very least, those posts should be taken less seriously. Chapter 9 addresses how to mentor your child on the realities of her public presence. When kids are little, you are the authors of their digital footprint. Think hard about what you share and post, and once your child is old enough (perhaps between six and eight), begin to request her permission before posting her picture on social media. If a younger child objects to having her picture taken or shared, we should heed her wishes as well.