Screenwise Read online

  Praise for

  SCREENWISE

  and Devorah Heitner, PhD

  “Screenwise is a comprehensive exploration of a timely and important topic, studded with practical tips for parents.”

  —Wendy Mogel, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee and The Blessing of a B Minus

  “For all parents who feel like they can’t keep up with today’s technology, Devorah Heitner has come to the rescue. Screenwise doesn’t judge or preach. It is full of empathy and insight, providing gems of guidance based on years of deep research and real talk with real kids. A pleasure to read.”

  —Lisa Guernsey, author of Tap, Click, Read and Screen Time; director, Learning Technologies Project, New America

  “Don’t let your kids’ tech life stress you out. Grab Screenwise and get the good news and strategies you need to guide your kids (or let them safely guide you) into a smart and savvy digital life.”

  —Deborah Gilboa, MD, parenting and youth development expert at Ask Dr. G

  “A must-read for twenty-first century parents! Parenting the digital generation requires complex skills that I frankly didn’t have—until now. Empowered by Dr. Heitner’s timely book, I feel infnitely more prepared to guide my son and daughter through the advantages and perils of modern-day connectedness. Issues like trust, relationships, security, and balance are handled deftly by an expert who clearly knows the territory and shares her knowledge in a relatable way. Every modern-day parent should read this book. Highly recommended.”

  —Mary O’Donohue, author of When You Say “Thank You,” Mean It: And 11 Other Lessons for Instilling Lifelong Values In Your Children

  “Find your way from ‘screenworried’ to ‘screenwise.’ It’s time to get over your techno-guilt and become a more competent and confdent media mentor—an enthusiastic tour guide and mindful role model—for your child in the digital age. In these pages you’ll fnd affrmation, encouragement, a gentle nudge or two about your own media use, and practical strategies to help you become a ‘tech positive parent.’”

  —Chip Donohue, PhD, director, Technology in Early Childhood (TEC) Center at Erikson Institute

  “Devorah has tackled the challenging, modern issue of raising kids in today’s digital world head-on. Screenwise gives practical ideas and advice for parents struggling with this issue and really enables them to turn what could be a problem into an opportunity. As an administrator in a highly successful 1-to-1 mobile device school district, I face many of the challenges outlined in this book on an almost daily basis. Screenwise will help not only the parents in our district, but also the teachers when it comes to ideas and strategies for truly helping kids thrive in their digital world.”

  —Carl Hooker, director of Innovation & Digital Learning at Eanes ISD, founder of iPadpalooza, author of the Mobile Learning Mindset book series

  “This book is full of calming words and constructive suggestions for today’s parents who are anxious about their children’s immersion in digital media. Grounded in the latest research, it will help parents develop their resourcefulness in navigating what can seem like a worrying new world.”

  —Sonia Livingstone, author of The Class: Living and Learning in the Digital Age

  “Screenwise is a practical guide for parents and families trying to navigate childhood in the digital age. Not a ‘one-size-fits-all approach,’ this book is about gaining confidence and resolve to make the informed, intentional choices that will work best for you and your family. The scenarios and solutions outlined are developmentally on-target for the ages addressed, whether toddlers or teenagers. Heitner possesses a clear and direct voice that will help parents find the path that works for them.”

  —Jennifer Farrington, president & CEO, Chicago Children’s Museum

  “Dr. Heitner offers smart, tech-positive advice for parents on how to be good mentors for children, and on how to best use technology rather than trying to monitor every single online exchange. We appreciate the age appropriate advice on how to balance autonomy and support.”

  —Tom Vander Ark, author of Smart Parents: Parenting for Powerful Learning

  SCREENWISE

  SCREENWISE

  Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World

  Devorah Heitner, PhD

  First published 2016 by Bibliomotion, Inc.

  711 Third Avenue, New York, NY 10017, USA

  2 Park Square, Milton Park, Abingdon, Oxon OX14 4RN, UK

  Bibliomotion is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business

  Copyright © 2016 by Devorah Heitner

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

  ISBN-13: 978-1-62956-145-5 (hbk)

  CIP data has been applied for.

  For Dan and Harold

  Contents

  Introduction

  Chapter 1

  Raising Digital Natives

  Chapter 2

  The Kids Are Alright

  Chapter 3

  Assessing Your Own Digital Literacy

  Chapter 4

  Becoming a Tech-Positive Parent

  Chapter 5

  Empathy Is the App

  Chapter 6

  Family Life in the Digital Age

  Chapter 7

  Friendship and Dating in the Digital Age

  Chapter 8

  School Life in the Digital Age

  Chapter 9

  Growing Up in Public

  Conclusion Digital Citizenship for the Next Generation

  Acknowledgments

  Notes

  References

  Index

  About the Author

  Introduction

  “I feel overwhelmed by the technology in my sixth grader’s life; my daughter is accessing online tools and social media sites I am not familiar with, and I need to provide more guidance in her digital life.”

  “How do we limit screen time to the suggested one to two hours per day when kids are now using these devices at school for who knows how long? Then they want to come home and unwind for a little, maybe watch TV—but they need to get back on a device to do homework. Limiting screen time doesn’t seem manageable or realistic.”

  “When I was a kid, the broadcasting of programs on TV stopped at a certain time. It forced you to stop watching. I often find myself cruising Facebook, watching dumb videos, etc. Is this what my life has become? What else can we do to reclaim our life and help our kids do the same?”

  When I lead digital citizenship workshops for parents, I hear concerns like these in every community. Who are these “digital natives” we are raising? And how is their world different from the one we knew when we were growing up?

  There is little consensus about how to parent in the digital age, and it can be hard to talk about these matters without feeling judged. I started Raising Digital Natives as a resource to help parents and educators conquer the confusion they often feel when confronted with the way today’s kids process information. The term “digital natives” was introduced by author Marc Prensky in 2001 to describe young people who are growing up surrounded by digital technology. This generation is used to “receiving information really fast. They like to parallel process and multi-task. They prefer their graphics before their text rather than the opposite…. They thrive on instant gratification and frequent rewards. They prefer games to ‘serious’ work.”1

  Some have criticized the essentialist nature of calling people who grew up without these tech tools “digital immigrants” and those who did grow up with them “digital natives.” Researchers have pointed out that digital native
s can also be digital “naives,” who may be clueless about the quality of the information they consume or the ways their own data is being mined.2

  This book is designed to help parents understand how growing up in the digital age presents some new challenges for kids learning to manage time and navigate relationships and how we, as adults, can offer guidance to tech-savvy kids based on the wisdom of our lived experiences. Thus, when I use the term “digital native,” I am referring to the touch-screen generation that has grown up creating and sharing as well as consuming digital content. Today’s kids are part of the content-on-demand, everyone-is-a-producer generation. How can we help them become “streetwise” in this new world?

  We don’t want to mistake digital proficiency for good digital citizenship. Because your kids seem up on new technologies and platforms, you may consider them fluent. This is dangerous thinking. They may rapidly adapt to apps and online platforms, but they need your mentorship.

  The opportunities are amazing for the touch-screen generation. Collaborating, creating, and sharing have never been easier or more rewarding. While the digital divide is still quite real—not all kids (even those in wealthy countries) have Wi-Fi or access to a tablet—parents and educators are grappling with how to help the multitudes of kids who do use digital devices learn to navigate the powerful capabilities that come with smartphones, tablets, interactive games and other applications, and social media.

  In countries like the United States, Canada, the U.K., and many others, tablets are saturating the market and even very young kids are using them. According to the latest research from Dubit Worldwide, three- and four-year-olds can select their own apps, and many children know how to make videos and take photos by the time they are five. The number of kids who can produce as well as consume content has risen dramatically. This is an important change—it is one thing to operate the clicker and choose your own TV programs or choose your online content, but it is quite another thing to be able to create your own content and share it.

  Why is guiding our digital natives through the changing world of technology so important? What’s at stake?

  • Relationships. As interpersonal relationships are conducted more and more in the digital world, is your digital native adept or clueless—or somewhere in between? Skill in conducting relationships via digital interaction needs to be layered over a foundation of values—values you can model and teach.

  • Reputation. With every post, every tweet, and every share, your digital native is creating a persona, even as she is experimenting with her identity. It’s a virtual high-wire act, and she’s bound to have some missteps. While she can survive her slip-ups, they can be difficult and exhausting to repair.

  • Time management. The digital world is limitless. Making the right choices about how and where to spend time is harder than ever. Without mentorship and guidance, rabbit-hole distractions could claim large chunks of precious childhood.

  The landscape is different now, and the rules are changing rapidly. Our kids need help, even if they think they don’t. Even if you think they don’t. It’s up to us as parents (and teachers) to ensure that we are helping our kids develop the skills they need to be “screenwise.” If they don’t learn these skills, they will struggle in today’s—and tomorrow’s—world.

  Screen wisdom is not operational or functional. It is not about how to keyboard or how to code. Anyone can learn the technical aspects of using apps and devices, with enough practice. True screen wisdom is about relationships. It’s about the kinds of connections we can have with one another. It’s about trust. And balance.

  Nuances matter. These skills are complex. A study conducted by researcher Alexandra Samuel revealed that kids who are mentored by their parents get into less trouble in their digital world.3 I noted with satisfaction that the digital skills Samuel spells out are in harmony with my own weekly interactions with families. The core skills her study identifies include “compensating for the absence of visual cues in online communications,” “understanding the norms and etiquette in different platforms,” and “balancing accountability with security.”4 These are complex and critical skills, and many adults are still working on them. Teaching kids how to read between the lines of text, how to respond without becoming overly reactive, how to check in about their interpretations, and how to use context to support their understanding of accountability, privacy, and security in a fast-paced world is a significant endeavor and takes time.

  The frameworks, devices, and apps are changing all the time and will continue to evolve. But the relationship and time management skills you foster will help your child even as the latest, greatest app fades into memory and something new takes its place.

  This book will help you find ways to talk to your children, to be their mentor and support as they navigate the challenges of connected life. And it may help you check in with yourself about your own relationship with technology—and to remember that you are the most important screenwise model for your kids.

  CHAPTER 1

  Raising Digital Natives

  Does it feel like the digital world has invaded your home? Is it the uninvited guest at the dinner table? Do you wish that things could “go back to normal”? Are you overwhelmed by the digital demands in your own life and find it hard to remember a pre-smartphone existence?

  Even parents who use technology all day at work—and to manage their personal lives—sometimes worry about the effect it’s having on their family life. They long for the days of board games and dollhouses, when things seemed simpler. Even TV, prevalent and ever present in American households, seemed easy to manage by comparison.

  First the home computer became an essential—but it was typically located in a central place in the house, so at least we could keep an eye on what our kids were doing. Then laptops added some mobility, so kids (and teens) could use them out of our sight, and it got more difficult to stay on top of things. Now, many kids have smartphones, which means they are carrying the Internet (with all its best and worst uses) with them at all times. Now, many schools are providing students with a tablet or laptop for home and school use, leaving parents to fgure out how such ubiquitous technology fits into the bigger picture of parenting and family life. Even parents who grew up with pagers and mobile phones fnd that social media and new modes of gaming have created novel parenting challenges.

  Where do we start in preparing to meet these challenges? Let’s take a brief look at your home to get an overview.

  Family Tech: Curiosity, Empathy, and Creativity

  This book is all about making your family the source of tech literacy. That doesn’t mean that you have to be a tech whiz, with full command of all devices and apps. It does mean that you will be empowered as a mentor. You will understand the potential of new technologies—and the hazards. You will understand and empathize with the social and emotional experiences of growing up connected. You’ll be able to have honest conversations with other parents about these issues, which will help your own family and which other parents will be grateful for. So let’s get started.

  To live a balanced life in the digital age, we sometimes need to wrest family life out of the greedy clutches of distraction. In my family, I am the most distracted person (and many parents find that is true of them). I am the founder and director of Raising Digital Natives, a resource for parents and schools. Posting to social media, responding to e-mail, writing articles to share on my blog, and the other day-to-day work could easily be a 24–7 job. Whether you are running your own company, like me, or are working in a larger organization, boundaries between home life and work life have never been more challenging to maintain. As parents, we are more accessible to colleagues and clients than our parents were, even when we are with our kids. Our work has access to us anywhere. The urge to check our work e-mail early in the morning or late at night can disrupt work–life balance and family life. And you have to admit, e-mail and Twitter can feel clean and contained, compared with power struggles
over snacking and homework, the dishes in the sink, and the other realities of family life.

  Of course, connectivity can also benefit family life. For instance, it’s easy to stay connected with extended family. But technology separates us as well. How many of us can relate to technology researcher Sherry Turkle’s phrase “alone together” as a description of the family’s interactions at times?1

  As families, we need to think about what we are sharing—not just with one another, but about one another, too. For many of us, the family album has migrated to social media, and we rarely even print pictures or share them in any other way. How many picture of our kids should we post? Have we ever asked our kids how they feel about what we share about them? It is time to get curious about this. Some parents are constantly sharing pictures and stories of their kids. We should consider the audience—or really, the multiple audiences, in today’s world. We should ask our kids’ permission (seriously!). Later in this book, I’ll dive into the ways asking our kids for permission can prepare them to use social media wisely themselves.

  Today’s kids use technology to create media, not just consume it. Looking at what they create and share gives us a helpful window into their culture and world. Our curiosity can guide us to learn more about kids’ digital worlds, to understand the pleasures and pitfalls in their day-to-day interactions with one another. Our empathy can guide us to support them as they make mistakes and learn to repair them, and grow resilient about some of the ongoing challenges of connected life. This book will give you some strategies you can use to tap into kids’ creativity and your own to cocreate solutions for some of the challenges we face in living digitally connected lives.